When you separate from your spouse and you have kids, life can be very stressful. As a single mom of two kids, who separated when my youngest was four (and he recently celebrated his 18th birthday), here is what I learned during those first few tender years of co-parenting.
1. Agree on a safe way to communicate. If talking on the phone always escalates to a shouting match, agree to text only for the first few months. Taking small steps to de-escalate the relational trauma that you bring to the co-parenting relationship can help you to detach from the hurt of the break-up. For the immediate future, the two of you are joined daily by the bond of parenthood. If there is a storm, you must go through it together.
2. Always take the high road. The kids come first. No matter what your ex-brother-in-law or therapy-bestie says, the root of the matter is your kids are watching you. Recently separated parents often feel raw, betrayed and most of us feel like lashing out at someone. Nothing adds gas to the fire more readily than fighting in front of the kids about the kids. By handling conflict in private, it will be less damaging for the kids. Try to show your children the best side of your adult selves. They will emulate that maturity and self-regulation sooner and more naturally. Kids learn from their parents and guardians, and newly separated parents need to pull up their socks and get parenting.
3. Embrace flexibility. Plan on changing the dates of big holidays to accommodate the other parent. Holiday times become the most stressful events in a child’s world if the parents are struggling to cope with not having them on a specific day. If you can start from the minute you separate to think of special times as being any time you get to spend with your child, then holidays can be smoother for everyone. The trick here is not to lock horns with your ex. No one wins and the children are always the ones who pay for your conflict (think anxiety and depression).
4. Do the paperwork. Do your separation agreement immediately. This document is really important. It doesn’t have to be complicated, but it does need to be finished and signed. You will use it more than you might be able to imagine now. There is no way around it. It requires some work, some focused time without kids around, some bare basic statements of fact and some witnesses. It can be exclusive of custody agreements, and can be done with a mediator, a friend or a lawyer. It is a document that unzips the zipper of your defunct relationship. The BC government has many tools that recently separated parents can access. Familylawinbc.ca is a good place to start. We used mysupportcalculator.ca every year for the 14 years that we have shared kids and costs. Agreeing on some mutually acceptable tools to use can make the annual tasks much less stressful.
5. Focus on your individual strengths. If one of you is an extrovert and loves hosting the birthday parties, celebrate that! If one of you is really good a filling out school paperwork, own it! If you have a strong skill that you feel is easy for you as a parent, offer to do that for your kids. By voicing what you want to do in the new co-parenting relationship, you are waving a white flag. Think ahead to your next meeting or text: What can I offer to this new reality with my children? How can I contribute to some harmony?
6. Take care of yourselves! Exercise, healthy activities and resting are all parts of parenting well. You are going through an intense experience. It is a big, emotional, physical and psychological change that is happening in and around you. Be gentle to yourselves. Eating cake for dinner and watching sappy movies when you are by yourself is also a normal response to separation. It will pass. Activities that get you out of your head can benefit you, your children and your ex-co-parent relationship.
Take stock of what you have—you have beautiful, vibrant, demanding kids who need you now more than ever. Celebrate what you can achieve in your new normal and name your limitations. You might find you like your ex more as a person once you can establish some routine. Meeting yourself where you are is the biggest part of learning how to be a good parent or guardian.
