You read that headline right. This quote from Tina Payne Bryson got my attention.
I was recently invited to a presentation titled Parenting with the Brain in Mind by Payne Bryson, PhD, clinician, consultant and internationally recognized co-author of The Whole Brain Child.
As she walked across the stage and said these 10 unusual words, you could see every parent in the room snap to attention.
She followed this innovative thinking with another impactful quote, “When we ‘flip our lid,’ it is actually beneficial to our kids.”
“When I flip my lid, I force myself to look into my children’s faces,” says Payne Bryson.
“I remind myself that I am their safe place, and what I did was not okay. Then I can choose to encourage them to make fun of me, ‘Wow! That wasn’t okay, was it? Let’s reenact what I looked like!”
“And I can model putting my hand on my chest and one on my belly and taking a longer exhale than inhale. I can apologize and ask for a do-over.”
The concept that we can and should repair our bonds with our kids when we make a mistake should be more talked about and celebrated. Parents today are the first generation that is actively working on repairing ourselves so we can be better for our kids.
“When we reflect and find meaning in our own history, we can move forward,” says Payne Bryson.
We are reading books, watching videos and webinars, listening to audiobooks and podcasts to do everything in our power to make sure our children feel safe. When you are putting that much time and energy into something you care about so deeply, you need to hear that it is okay if you don’t get it right every time.
We want our children to know that our love and attention doesn’t depend on them never making a mistake. In fact, making mistakes is the most effective way for their brain to learn.
We want them to apologize when they have wronged someone, and we want them to work to make it right. How do we ever expect them to do that if we don’t model that behaviour? The old adage “do what I say, not what I do” just doesn’t fly anymore. So, if we want them to take ownership when they have done something wrong, we must do the same—over and over again.
This works the other way too. We need to model forgiveness and empathy as well.
Payne Bryson mentioned something else that really hit home for me during a story she told about her son when he was younger. She said she picked him up from school and told him she was taking him to the movie theatre, but his initial excitement melted away and he acted out when she told him they couldn’t get popcorn.
“At that moment, I was thinking, ‘If he is this spoiled, no one is ever going to give him a job and he is going to be all alone and live in a van by the river and…’ Does anyone else catastrophize like this?”
Her point was that she was tempted to scold him for acting “spoiled” but her reaction would have been in response to how she was feeling about the situation, not the real reason behind his behaviour. See our story about systems feelings by Dr. Allison Rees on page 10 for more on this.
We can ask our kids why something is upsetting them and get to the root of the problem. We can be there for them. We can show up. We can teach them that relationships are messy but that doesn’t mean they are over.
That way, even when they are watching us freak out, they know it is going to be over soon, and we will come to them and make it okay. Allowing us to still be their safe place, even on our hardest day.
This is such a refreshing take for me and something I think many parents need to hear.
Our kids need to know that it is okay if they make mistakes and that we will be there for them no matter what. Many of us did not have that (or apologies) from our parents when we were growing up, so we are all learning how to open this line of communication together. And it’s expected to make mistakes when you are learning something new.
Payne Bryson ended her presentation by saying, “What your children need most from you is you; flawed you, imperfect you, freaked out you… You are the key to helping them feel safe, seen, soothed and secure.”
Now take a moment and read that quote again.
