In my work as an educator, counsellor and author, I refer to the unconscious overreactions we have as systems feelings. We use this term because our nervous system holds on to unresolved patterns or pain from childhood and beyond. When we find ourselves reacting in a way that feels out of proportion to the situation, chances are we’ve got one foot in the past.
The good news? Awareness can help. It’s not easy but just knowing this is “a thing” can make a difference. Why? Because when we have big emotions and we don’t realize they’re rooted in the past, we tend to pin them on the person in front of us and this is usually someone we deeply care about, like our child or partner. Intimate relationships are where our unconscious reactions get stirred up.
These reactions don’t always stem from major trauma. Often, they’re tied to subtle childhood experiences such as how your feelings were handled when you were upset, or your parent’s expectations of you. If you were an obedient child, you might get triggered when your child is defiant. If you were nagged growing up, you may overreact when your partner asks you to take out the garbage.
Personally, when I feel triggered, it’s often rooted in a sense of being left out or alone. I was a latchkey kid at a young age, my parents had to work. I was also sensitive and shy. Although these triggers arise less often now, they can still catch me off guard. When they do, I feel like a helpless child again. The feelings are powerful even though I intellectually know what’s happening, the emotional weight remains.
Just now, as I’m writing this, I heard my mother’s voice in my head saying, “She’s in a huff again.” When these systems feelings come up, I feel paralyzed… stuck in that moody, hurt place my parents used to label as a “huff.” It felt sinful to be sad or upset. The British, stiff upper lip.
It’s always a little embarrassing to talk about these reactions because they can feel so immature, they come from our younger parts. But when I feel that helpless mood creeping in, the first thing I do is recognize it. Knowing it has history helps take the intensity out of the present moment.
One phrase I’ve come to love is: observe rather than be absorbed. You can do this when you start to notice those younger parts living inside of you, the ones people simply bump into.
When I can recognize a familiar pattern, I’m less likely to be fully swept up in it. Sometimes, when that childish feeling hits, I ask myself, “What would Betty do?” I’ve never actually met Betty, but in my mind, she’s a wise, well-put-together woman who does the right thing. She brings me back to myself. While recovering in the moment isn’t always easy, this kind of awareness can really help.
Why? Because if I don’t know I’m being triggered by my past, I’m going to make it all about the person in front of me. And that can be dangerous. That’s why it’s so important to do a little exploring to recognize what’s yours, what’s old and what just needs a little compassion and awareness.
Helpful Strategies:
• Notice the things that get to you. Using a journal can help you identify your feelings and trace not only their triggers but their origins. As you write, you can discover a lot about what they are attached to.
• If you recognize patterns, think about what the opposite or different response would be. Pre-plan your response so it can be accessed in the heat of the moment when you might feel three years old.
• Notice when you feel defensive or shutdown and ask for a “chill time” if possible. Okay, not if you have young children, but it’s more doable with older kids or a partner.
• Remember, urgency is the enemy, breath is your friend. Breathe!
• If you find a conversation starting to feel like a game of ping pong, slow it down.
Systems feelings happen between people and bring out immature, overreactions. They don’t make a lot of sense, so it is difficult to know exactly what we need in those moments. It’s important to pay attention to the physical signals, that may be the first indication that we’ve lost the plot.
Finally, our nervous system picks up quickly on body language. A facial expression can send us into fight, flight, fawning, fix or freeze in seconds.
When I think about Betty, she is quite aware of what her face is saying. She’s aware of the dangers of rolling eyes, a look of contempt and disgust. While borrowing Betty’s maturity, my nervous system slowly recovers, and I get to show up as a genuine, mature adult again. Not quite Betty, a messier version, but loving, nonetheless.
