Interpersonal boundaries may be defined as invisible lines, or “bubbles,” which separate people or groups of people. A healthy family is one in which each member can be loved and be himself or herself at the same time. Establishing boundaries begins with establishing family values. The Golden Rule is the basic value of all cultures. Treat others the way you would like them to treat you. Boundaries are essential for healthy families. Within the safety of boundaries established by the parents, a child can develop his own sense of self. Because that self has been protected by boundaries, the child can feel he is loved for himself. And can love others while respecting their right to be who they are and make their own choices.
As children are naturally egocentric, they have to be taught where others’ boundaries are. A two-year-old may not know he is actually causing pain to the person he hits. He only knows that he gets a reaction. Children often don’t understand the impact their behaviour has on a friend at school when they tease them. Similarly, a teenager may have no idea of how stressful it is when she adds to an adult’s work load. She has to be taught.
Boundaries And Limits
Limits are statements of people’s boundaries. It is not “selfish” of a parent to set limits for a child around respecting the parent’s own needs: for example, the need for sleep, or the need to not have to clean up all the time, or the need for some time to herself. These limits teach the child about others’ boundaries and about the Golden Rule.
As children older, you can establish family values which flow out of the Golden Rule, such as respect for persons, respect for others’ property, respect for body privacy, kindness to animals. Sometimes limits need to be enforced with consequences. However, empathy training (helping kids think through what it must be like for the person who has been harmed) is much more effective than scolding or punishing a child when he or she harms someone. It also helps to let the child make amends if she feels truly sorry.
Children learn most from our example, and they learn when their boundaries are respected by us, and when we insist that other people respect their and our boundaries.
